Friday, February 18, 2005
Blah
Man I just want out of work right now. I just want to LEAVE!
Not sure why but a wave of depression has just washed over my. I feel like there is so much I need to do, so many things I want to do. I just don't make time for it all. I need to work on my writing. I need to blog more. Part of blogging was to spend more time writing... even if it was just little personal notes. I can't even seem to follow through on that. You should see my computer here at work. It has many documents on it from where I STARTED to type up a rant for a blog, but they never get finished. I think a lot of it is because I do these at work and I can't just start writing until I am finished. I end up losing the steam I had built up for writing it before its finish.
I have tons of Exalted projects that I have started and never finished. Maps, Item Construction Guides, Martial Arts, thoughts on Infernals, Merits and Flaws, yadda yadda yadda. It goes on and on. And when others get breaks and get their "in" or do well, I can't be happy for them. I want to be, I should be but I am not. I am only jealous... and the worst part is I know I don't even have the right to be jealous because they have the talent, they have the time and the will to sit and write.
It just seems like so much, the house, the condo, being sick (still), going back to school, getting a new job, performing well at the job I have. Gaming and hanging out with my wife are pretty much the only things that are therapeutic for me. I know watching TV isn’t normally stressful… but if you try real hard it can be. Any more it seems like I am thinking about the things I could be doing instead of watching TV while I watch. Soon the stress of it all becomes to much and I just have to give up caring… so then I do nothing. Which brings us back to square one.
And since I am just spitting in the wind here, rattling on about everything and nothing all at once… I think gaming has made me dumb. How you ask? Well because I stay up to all hours of the night playing… and because my mind is so starved for sleep… I can’t think as well as I once did. As a child I was very smart. 145 IQ from what I am told. However I don’t feel like I am at that level anymore. I don’t take drugs, I don’t drink very often, and I don’t get my head banged around a lot, so you would not think that I am killing off my brain cells… but I feel much less intelligent then I used too. Things are harder to remember and I how to describe things are harder then it used to be. I really think it’s because I don’t sleep enough. And that should be easy to fix. It just means I would have to give up some of my time gaming.
/sigh
Well if you are reading this… have a good weekend. I hope all is well for you and yours.
Not sure why but a wave of depression has just washed over my. I feel like there is so much I need to do, so many things I want to do. I just don't make time for it all. I need to work on my writing. I need to blog more. Part of blogging was to spend more time writing... even if it was just little personal notes. I can't even seem to follow through on that. You should see my computer here at work. It has many documents on it from where I STARTED to type up a rant for a blog, but they never get finished. I think a lot of it is because I do these at work and I can't just start writing until I am finished. I end up losing the steam I had built up for writing it before its finish.
I have tons of Exalted projects that I have started and never finished. Maps, Item Construction Guides, Martial Arts, thoughts on Infernals, Merits and Flaws, yadda yadda yadda. It goes on and on. And when others get breaks and get their "in" or do well, I can't be happy for them. I want to be, I should be but I am not. I am only jealous... and the worst part is I know I don't even have the right to be jealous because they have the talent, they have the time and the will to sit and write.
It just seems like so much, the house, the condo, being sick (still), going back to school, getting a new job, performing well at the job I have. Gaming and hanging out with my wife are pretty much the only things that are therapeutic for me. I know watching TV isn’t normally stressful… but if you try real hard it can be. Any more it seems like I am thinking about the things I could be doing instead of watching TV while I watch. Soon the stress of it all becomes to much and I just have to give up caring… so then I do nothing. Which brings us back to square one.
And since I am just spitting in the wind here, rattling on about everything and nothing all at once… I think gaming has made me dumb. How you ask? Well because I stay up to all hours of the night playing… and because my mind is so starved for sleep… I can’t think as well as I once did. As a child I was very smart. 145 IQ from what I am told. However I don’t feel like I am at that level anymore. I don’t take drugs, I don’t drink very often, and I don’t get my head banged around a lot, so you would not think that I am killing off my brain cells… but I feel much less intelligent then I used too. Things are harder to remember and I how to describe things are harder then it used to be. I really think it’s because I don’t sleep enough. And that should be easy to fix. It just means I would have to give up some of my time gaming.
/sigh
Well if you are reading this… have a good weekend. I hope all is well for you and yours.
Comments:
<< Home
Just a theory about the "losing intelligence" thing. I've been there. I think if you exercise the brain, it stays in shape. If you were in a learning atmosphere and concentrated on the work, I'm sure you wouldn't feel that way... but just like gym class, if we don't participate in stuff that exercises the muscles they go limp. That's why it's good to engage in the creative side of the gaming... making stuff for adventures and supplements... it will make you use that noodle.
If that's what keeps you focused and your mind sharp, keep doing it. If you still struggle, then you are finally getting old and you are on te path of no return... CONGRATS!
If that's what keeps you focused and your mind sharp, keep doing it. If you still struggle, then you are finally getting old and you are on te path of no return... CONGRATS!
Another thing about "intelligence". The brain loses a shape (or really lack of shape) called "plasticity" over time. As children, our brain have the ability and plasticity to remember and retain much faster facts, trivia, etc. than our older selves. Many have viewed their own intelligence on how they grasp new things. Well, since we are not bombarded by new things as we were in school it can be hard to keep measuring our intelligence. And since learning new things becomes more difficult as we age, I can fully understand where you are coming from. Trust me, I think you and I are alike. I have numerous stories I've never completed. I can list off over 10 websites I'm currently working on but seem to never finish. I need to get in shape and there's about 10 different things I want to learn in my field but never get around to it. You are not alone.
--your 162 IQ friend (but it doesn't feel like it)
Post a Comment
--your 162 IQ friend (but it doesn't feel like it)
<< Home
